Lekkers asked: The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He
put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife
demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair
with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his
shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and
delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
“Not this time!”
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was
working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about
to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the
mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he
removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. When the
mortician arrived home, he said to his wife, “I have something to show you won’t believe,”
opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife
exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!?!?”
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She
rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” and pretend you’re a
statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when
they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the
statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and
nobody offered me a damned thing.”
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:”How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?”
exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The
bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s
he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied:
“The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked
up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no
need to, ” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in
peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!” “I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let
the poison work.”
